omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Drunk is a universal language darling
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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