Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
