guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i would punch a child for taco bell
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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