I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
