i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
