His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
