my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
