I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize