I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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