my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
