Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So. Much. Porn.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
