I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
