nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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