I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we're making bets on your personal life
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
