Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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