remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
