who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
