He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
