Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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