i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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