i think i have two assholes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
