the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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