like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize