Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
