i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
