wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
