Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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