Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize