3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
