i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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