I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
