Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
