Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
