His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So squirting runs in the family.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
