just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
