Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I looked at my own cervix.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
