Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
