Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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