I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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