Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You made out with two different species that night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
