When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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