you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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