I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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