I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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