If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
as a side note pls kill me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
