so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can't put those talents on a resume
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize