that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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