I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I wish there were birth control emojis
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
