WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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