my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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