I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
