I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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