he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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