you will always have a special place in my vag
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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