If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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