Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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