Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
