i permit you to call me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
