you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize