I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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